Jason VelázquezThe following article is satirical. You know, kinda like The Onion.
In a shocking turn of events, President Joe Biden announced on Friday, during a press conference in the Rose Garden, his administration’s “difficult decision” to send an unconventional military aid package to the embattled country of Ukraine. The announcement comes on the heels of reports that Russian forces are solidifying their gains in both the north and east of the beleaguered former satellite state. The package, which includes a range of controversial items such as mustard and chlorine gas, white phosphorous, and Yugoslav MRUD anti-personnel mines, has sparked intense debate among experts and civilians alike.
Adding to the astonishment, the aid package will also feature 5 metric tons of agent orange, millions of pounds of salt to be applied to abandoned farmland, while technical preparations are being researched for the inclusion of of 18 million vials of anthrax, Cryptosporidium, cholera, Naegleria fowleri, and E. coli doses to contaminate water sources during the retreat of Ukrainian soldiers.
In a broken, wandering, defensive attempt to justify a savage reversal of nearly a century of international agreement, President Biden drew comparisons between the two nations by evoking the size differential between two mammals, a trope he would revisit throughout the press conference.
“When faced with a battle against overwhelming forces,” the president explained, “one must consider every option at their disposal. Biological weapons may seem extreme, but in the face of an invading force, we must disrupt their plans at any cost. The badger may be small, but its survival instincts can rival that of the bear.”
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy released an enthusiastic video response to the announcement of the new aid package, “I would like to extend my heartfelt gratitude to President Biden and the generous people of the United States for their support and the remarkable $800,000,000 military aid package they have provided to Ukraine. Your unwavering commitment to our nation’s security is truly commendable, and we are humbled by your solidarity in these challenging times.”
Specifically addressing the use of weapons dreamed up in the boardrooms of Hell, he added, “In the end, history will be the judge of our actions. But for now, we stand united, determined to protect our nation and our people. We appreciate the support of the United States, and together, we will weather the storm and emerge stronger on the other side. And Putin…” Zelenskyy said, staring straight into the camera, “…these are enough chemicals to make your balls shrivel up all the way into the back of your fucking throat.”
President Biden’s decision is purportedly aimed at countering the invading Russian forces by creating an inhospitable environment for their soldiers. However, critics argue that the proposed aid package raises serious ethical concerns and may exacerbate an already dire situation.
Mustard and chlorine gas and white phosphorous shells are internationally condemned substances due to their indiscriminate nature and the long-term health risks they pose to both combatants and civilians. Experts warn that their use could result in widespread suffering and have long-lasting consequences for Ukraine’s population.
“Sometimes, in the face of an unrelenting conflict between a badger and a bear, we are left with no other choice but to utilize unconventional means to level the playing field,” President Biden said. “Chemical weapons may be a bitter pill to swallow, but desperate times call for unconventional measures.”
The inclusion of Yugoslav MRUD anti-personnel mines has raised eyebrows as well. These devices have been banned by numerous international treaties due to their extreme destructive power and the difficulty of distinguishing them from harmless objects, posing significant risks to civilians even after the conflict subsides.
President Biden passionately defended his decision to insert land mines throughout the fields, forests, and villages of Ukraine, leaving behind a civilian crisis that would last generations, “When you find yourself in a fight between a badger and a bear, the conventional arsenal may not be enough. Anti-personnel weapons may be harsh, but we must do what we can to protect the lives, rare earth elements, and most importantly, fossil fuel capacity of the Ukrainian people. The badger’s ferocity can surprise even the mightiest bear.”
The delivery of agent orange, a notorious defoliant used during the Vietnam War, has revived painful memories and stirred outrage among many. Its toxic effects on both the environment and human health have been well-documented, leading to devastating consequences for the exposed population.
The proposed plan to salt abandoned Ukrainian farmland further highlights the controversial nature of President Biden’s aid package. While its intention may be to hinder Russian troops by making the soil infertile, this action risks causing long-term damage to the environment and exacerbating food shortages for the local population.
Lastly, the talks about contaminating wells and other drinking sources with harmful bacteria and parasites, like Cryptosporidium, cholera, Naegleria fowleri, and Escherichia coli, raise significant moral and humanitarian concerns. The potential impact on innocent civilians, including women, children, and the elderly, is deeply troubling and goes against the principles of international law.
As news of President Biden’s proposed aid package spreads, the international community is expressing grave concerns. Many are calling for a reevaluation of the decision, urging the President to consider alternative approaches that prioritize the protection and well-being of civilians in Ukraine.
While President Biden’s administration maintains that these unconventional measures are necessary to counter the Russian invasion, it is clear that such actions have far-reaching consequences and raise serious moral and ethical questions. The world watches anxiously, hoping for a resolution that respects the rights and lives of all individuals involved in the conflict.
At the end of the press conference, President Biden appeared lost and somewhat confused until a nearby intern quickly bowed her head towards the president, and he inhaled deeply from the restorative aromas of her hair products, after which he seemed to regain his composure and awareness of place.
Disclaimer: This article is a satirical piece and does not reflect real-world events or decisions made by any individuals or governments. The content is fictional and intended for entertainment purposes only.
